The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2016
Introduction Todd plays DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber - "Let Me Love You"#47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 on the piano. THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2016 A year-end retrospective Todd: So...how was your 2016? :Montage clips of Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna - "This Is What You Came For"#17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Mike Posner - "I Took a Pill in Ibiza"#15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Flo Rida - "My House"#14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Sia - "Cheap Thrills"#11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey - "Closer"#10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane - "Black Beatles"#19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list; The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk - "Starboy"#58 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Beyoncé - "Sorry"#71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Rihanna ft. Drake - "Work"#4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; and Kiiara - "Gold"#52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): laughing throughout Here's the part where I play the dour music and some appropriately grim clips to make it seem like things were really bad and the year was just a long stretch of bleakness. I mean, I do that every year, and it's funny 'cause it's ironic. Like, calm down, Todd. Yeah, it's not funny this year. I don't know why I'm laughing. Nothing's good anymore. Todd: through Look, there's no denying that this was a particularly brutal year. :Montage of screenshots from various pages all saying basically the same thing: 2016 was the worst year Todd (VO): A year in which we kept losing our best and brightest, and empowering our stupidest and worst. And if... Todd: ...there was ever a year that the mood of the music scene matched the outside world, it was 2016 'cause the... :Clips of Rihanna - "Needed Me"#13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100... Todd (VO): ...pop music of 2016 was fucking dismal. It was like this unending background drone of white noise. Like, even most of the good stuff, the stuff I liked, was pretty downbeat. Twenty One Pilots - "Stressed Out"#5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Not only was most of it not good, a lot of it didn't even sound finished, like it was like a first draft or maybe there were a couple tracks missing from the mix. By July, I was already prepared to declare it the worst year for pop music since I've started reviewing. Todd: But we survived. We're all still here...for the moment, and we need to chronicle the year that was before we deal with the disasters to come. So get ready. We're counting down... :Clip of Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, and Imagine Dragons with Logic and Ty Dolla Sign featuring X Ambassadors - "Sucker for Pain"#68 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown. Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2016 :Imagine Dragons: I'm just a sucker for pain #10 Todd (VO): #10. :Clip of Lorde - "Royals" :Lorde: My friends and I, we've cracked the code Todd (VO): Look, I like Lorde. Don't love her, but, you know, I liked her. You know, I'm interested to see how she follows up that first album. Todd: She definitely tapped into something, but... Todd (VO): ...I can't quite nail down what. In 2016, it's hard to remember what made Lorde such a breath of fresh air 'cause, um... Todd: ...the rush to find a new Lorde has turned out very badly. #10. Daya - "Sit Still, Look Pretty"#78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Daya: Oh, I don't know what you've been told :But this girl right here's gonna rule the world :Yeah, that is where I'm gonna be because I wanna be :No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty Todd (VO): Turns out most teenagers think they and their friends are the first ones who've cracked the code. This is how we wound up with self-impressed, uninspiring smugfests from people like Halsey, Alessia Cara... Todd: ...and the very least talented of them all, Daya. Todd (VO): It was an interesting perspective three or four years ago, when the big hits were all by will.i.am and Miley Cyrus, but you can't say you're breaking the trend when you're blatantly following Lorde's trend. Todd: I mean, this is what every song's like now. :Lorde: But every song's like :Daya: You get off on your nine to five :Dream of picket fences and trophy wives Todd (VO): ooh... Daya's not gonna be a trophy wife. Todd: Take that, all...no people who was pressuring her to be one. Todd (VO): Daya didn't write this song, I knew that even before I looked it up because it was so obvious. She's 18, no one's pressuring her to be a gold digger. [Shot of Steve Buscemi on ''30 Rock]'' That's what middle-aged record industry hacks think teenagers are reacting to 'cause that's all they know. Todd (VO): For the record, this just barely edged out of... Alessia Cara's condescending "Scars to Your Beautiful" to be on the list. :Alessia: No scars to your beautiful Todd (VO): I guess because I decided her message of "you're beautiful" was better than... Todd: ...Daya's message of "I'm beautiful." :Daya: Sure, I'm a pretty girl :Up in a pretty world Todd: Good for you. :Daya: No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty Todd (VO): I wish people told me to sit still and look pretty. Todd: My options are to sit still and look like wet garbage. :Daya: And play dumb :Pretending that I need a boy Todd (VO): This song sucks. I daresay Daya's only appeal is that her sound is average and unthreatening enough to get played on the radio, which... Todd: ...basically, she is sitting still and looking pretty, which is...I don't know, ironic or something. :Daya: Oh, I don't know what you've been told :But this gal right here's gonna rule the world *BUZZER* NOT A RHYME Todd: Next! Interlude #9 Todd (VO): #9. #9. Drake & Future - "Jumpman"#37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Drake: Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, them boys up to something :They just spent like two or three weeks out the country Todd (VO): To be honest, I'm not sure this is actually one of the worst songs of the year. Todd: It's...just...I can't. Todd (VO): After listening to all the songs this year, it was impossible to avoid one conclusion. Todd: Drake and Future straight ruined pop music. :Drake: I just found my tempo like I'm DJ Mustard Todd (VO): Is this song that bad? I don't know, I have no idea, I can't even remember it. Todd: Actually, it's one of the few Future songs where I can actually remember at least one line. :Drake: Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, them boys up to something Todd (VO): I mean, it's the same word over and over again, but at least I can remember it, and I guess there's that other one, "Wicked." :Clip of "Wicked"#97 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Future: Wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked :Hold up, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked, wicked Todd (VO): Excuse me, "We-oh." Todd: But except for "Jumpman" and "We-oh," I can't think of a song where... :Clip of "Used to This" ft. Drake Todd (VO): ...I thought Future was memorable at all. :Future: Selling dope all my life, I can't do minimum wage :Dirty-dirty money, I got used to this :(????????????) Todd (VO): mumbling Yeah, I'm a rapper... Todd: In any case, Future is clearly no longer the future, he's the present, 'cause... :Clip of Desiigner - "Panda"#6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): ...everyone is trying to sound like him when they're not trying to sound like Drake. And Drake...he's made tons of songs I really liked, but the two of them bring out the worst in each other. Drake's moody monotone and Future's semi-conscious drug stupor combine into... Todd: ...the dullest goddamn sound that unfortunately dominated music this year. Todd (VO): And, uh...this song specifically, I don't know. I assumed it was about the of, with original name Super Jumpman... Mario character in Donkey Kong, but apparently, it's the Air Jordan logo. (GOD, I'M A NERD) :Drake: I hit the Ginobili with my left hand up like WOO! Todd (VO): I guess the whole thing is semi-basketball themed, but we already have a great basketball rap song... Todd: ...associated with Michael Jordan, and that's of B-Real, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J and Busta Rhymes - "Hit 'Em High" the Monstars' rap in Space Jam. :B-Real: If I hit 'em high, hit 'em high, hit 'em high :And you hit 'em low, hit 'em low, hit 'em low Todd (VO): That's not a joke, it's... Todd: ...seriously a much better song. Todd (VO): I mean, part of the reason I can't tell you any of the lines from this song is because it's from these two mush-mouthed mumblers. Future is basically the guy you find in a of said guy in a... puddle of vomit in the alley next to the bar, so who even knows what he's saying? :Future:I just seen the jet take off they up to something :Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing :Clips from ''Dick Tracy...'' :Mumbles (Dustin Hoffman): mumbling :...and ''Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids :'Mushmouth': Aww, but youba can'tba freeze no flambe! '''Todd': They sound like they need to go to sleep. :Future: Man, they comin' fast :They never gettin' sleep Todd: Well, maybe you should. Maybe that's why you guys sound like that. :Drake and Future: Uh-uh, uh, I think I need some Robitussin Todd (VO): No, you guys have had enough depressants. Todd: Unless nasal congestion is the reason you always sound like that! :Future: Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu Todd (VO): Christ, if this is all you have to do to succeed and get legions of imitators, why am I'' trying so hard? Look, here's ''my review. Todd: Drake and Future are mumbles... guy with the thing and the drugs. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman :Drake: I said, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman :That's boy's up to somethin Interlude #8 Todd (VO): #8. #8. Ruth B - "Lost Boy"#76 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Ruth B: I am a lost boy from Neverland :Usually hanging out with Peter Pan :And when we're bored, we play in the woods :Always on the run from Captain Hook Todd: What the hell is this? :Ruth B: He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me :I promise that you'll never be lonely" Todd (VO): Ugh. I mean, say what you want about the Lorde wannabes, at least they have some level of self-awareness, some spark of life. Todd: I mean, you'd never catch any of them performing this piece of middle school poetry. This song will get you laughed out of a Wiggles concert. :Ruth B: He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe Todd (VO): I get the feeling Ruth B's notebooks have a lot of of notebook with... drawings and stickers of horsies on them. I mean, she's literally singing about a children's story, and it wasn't even the only... Todd: ...Peter Pan song this year. :Clip of Kelsea Ballerini - "Peter Pan" :Kelsea: You're just a lost boy with your head up in the clouds Todd (VO): The other one, also known as the good one, was a country song that used the classic story to highlight the fact that a lot of people forget, which is that Peter Pan is a useless little shit. :Kelsea: You'll never grow up You're never gonna be a man Todd (VO): Ruth B does not seem to realize that. Todd: Although, to be fair, a lot of adaptations don't. :Clip from ''Peter Pan Live! '''Todd (VO)': God, I hate you, you... Todd: ...chirping little child abductor. :Ruth B: Soon enough, we reach Neverland Todd (VO): Okay, everyone has the image of Peter Pan, who's, you know, the magical flying kid who promises clips from ''[[Peter Pan]...]'' excitement and adventure to bored, uptight Edwardian children, the 1960 TV version, featuring... and is clearly a middle-aged woman in drag. The thing is, for a song about being magically whisked away to Magicland with magic and all... Todd: ...it's really dull. :Ruth B: Away from all of reality Todd (VO): Where's the excitement?! I mean, shouldn't this be fun? This is all supposed to be a metaphor for... Todd: ...freedom and discovery, right? :Ruth B: Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling :Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book Todd: Oh, hell, this isn't a metaphor, this is a fanfic! Todd (VO): It's a self-insert fanfic! God, no wonder it's so serious. I mean, there's nothing wrong with literary allusions like when you rewrote of Jefferson Airplane - "White Rabbit" Alice in Wonderland to be about LSD. But this isn't about a mood or a feeling, it's literally just the plot of Peter Pan. Todd: This isn't a song, it's a Cliff Notes! sic :Ruth B: Neverland is home to lost boys like me Todd: First star on the left, straight on 'til boring. :Ruth B: And lost boys like me are free Interlude #7 Todd (VO): #7. :Clip of Pitbull ft. Enrique Iglesias - "Messin' Around" :Pitbull and Enrique: I heard it from a friend who :Heard it from a friend who Todd; Poor REO Speedwagon. I was so sad this wasn't... Todd (VO): ...a hit, 'cause believe me, if it had been, it would be very high on this list. Tragically, I think the Pitbull Era may finally be over. Todd: Gosh, where are we gonna get our tragically misused samples now? #7. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello - "Bad Things"#41 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list :Camila: Am I out of my head, am I out of my mind? :If you only knew the bad things I like :Don't think that I can explain it :What can I say, it's complicated Todd: Well, if nothing else, this should stop people asking me to cover Fastball on One Hit Wonderland. :Clip of Fastball - "The Way" :Fastball: Where were they going without ever knowing the way? Todd (VO): See? They did do other songs than "The Way." Although they might disown it after this. :Clip of Fastball - "Out of My Head" :Tony Scalzo: Was I out of my head :Was I out of my mind Todd (VO): This is their graceful, Paul McCartney-esque piano ballad, "Out of My Head." :Tony: I never mean to do bad things to you Todd (VO): In my opinion, it was even better than "The Way," but... Todd: ...boy, does it not work as a sample. :Camila: Don't matter what you say :Don't matter what you do :I only wanna do bad things to you Todd (VO): Whoa-ho, get that? They changed "I never wanna do bad things" to "I only wanna do bad things." Todd: They certainly did bad things to Fastball. :Clips of Sia - "Cheap Thrills"... Todd (VO): Now, I know I bag on the Four Chords of Pop, but they keep getting used 'cause it's a tried-and-true formula. It's simple, it's been focus-grouped, and it works. ...and... "Out of My Head," meanwhile, is a rock song which uses a of... modified descending Pachelbel's Canon progression with some extra chords in there, some sevenths, and secondary dominants; and you know, it's a good structure if you want to sound rootsy and austere, but there's nothing sexy about it. clip of Metallica performance You might as well have sampled "Master of Puppets" or something. :MGK: Nothing's that bad :If it feels good :So you come back :Like I knew you would Todd (VO): And there's a guy there. This is Cleveland rapper Machine Gun Kelly, and of the Cleveland Cavaliers' Game 7 celebration you know, it's been a decent year for Cleveland, all things considered. Todd: But there have also been downpoints like of article: "Browns owners send letter of apology to ticket holders after 1-15 season"... Cleveland Browns, shot of rundown part of city the fact that it's still Cleveland... Todd (VO): ...and this. I mean, I've heard decent things about him, but his first pop hit is just abysmal. :MGK: Nails scratchin' my back tat :Eyes closed while you scream out :And you keep me in with those hips Todd (VO): I mean, didn't white rappers use to have to be interesting to break through? Like funny or provocative or, you know, just novel in some way? Well, now you can be just as generic as anyone else. If there was ever a good year to be a mediocre white man, it was 2016. Todd: Tssh. Does anyone wanna ruin "One Headlight" too? :Camila: What can I say, it's complicated Interlude #6 Todd (VO): #6. Todd: Earlier this year, outrage erupted across the Internet when... :Clip of NewsBeat story covering... Todd (VO): ...Twitter announced that it would be shutting down its popular microvideo platform Vine; of various articles detailing the heartbreak and I just wanna say I get it. I do. There are a lot of creative people on Vine; and I've lost my platform before, it sucks. But as a pop music reviewer... Todd: ...all I could say was, thank Christ! 'Cause from my point of view, all Vine has ever done for me is give me this. #6. Zay Hilfigerrr and Zayion McCall - "Juju On That Beat"#63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list :Zay and Zayion: Juju on that beat :Juju on that beat :Juju on that, juju on that :Juju on that beat :Now slide Todd (VO): I don't know what to say about this that I didn't say about T-Wayne, Silento, and every other shitty Vine dance I've ever had to suffer through. Todd: But as long as they keep showing up, I'm gonna keep putting them on this list. :Zay: Leggo, leggo, leggo, leggo Todd (VO): "Juju on the Beat" is quite possibly the very worst of them yet. From the bad Big Momma's House impression at the beginning... :Zay: Do that one dance baby :That, that one dance Todd: ...to the fact that they called my dad ugly. :Zayion: You ugly :You your daddy's son Todd: How...dare you? :Zay: Juju on that beat :Juju on that beat Todd (VO): I mean, if they mean "juju" in the sense of "cursed," then yes, they are definitely putting some juju on this beat. Todd: It's not even their beat. I remember this from ten years ago. :Clip from Crime Mob - "Knuck if You Buck" :Crime Mob: Knuck if you buck boy :Knuck if you buck boy :Knuck if you buck boy Todd (VO): Say what you want about the crunk era of hip hop; at least it had some balls. What the hell is this? :Zay: Now do your dance, do your dance, do your dance, aye :You ugly Todd (VO): These two kids are so devoid of artistic merit that, this is true... Todd: ...no one has even bothered to give them of Wikipedia page for Zay Hilfigerrr, which prompts to redirect to the song a Wikipedia page. Wikipedia has a 2000-word article about of Wikipedia page about... mountains that look like boobs, yet nothing for the rappers behind one of the most popular songs in the country. :Zayion: And I'm a Detroit baby :And I don't know nothing else :Besides drinking and having parties :And having some fun *BUZZER* NOT A RHYME :Zayion: I say look in the mirror :What you expect me to do? :I see a 300-S :And got them blacked out rims *BUZZER* COME ON YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING Todd (VO): And there's a good chance that these two kids will only ever have this song. And I don't mean that this will be their only successful song, I mean their only song. They'll never release anything else. Todd: So let me get my One Hit Wonderland episode for them out of the way right now. Before the hit They were fetuses. The big hit It sucked. The failed follow-up There was no follow-up. Did they ever do anything else? No. Did they deserve better? God, no! :Zay: Running man on that beat :Running man on that beat Todd (VO): "Juju on the Beat" by whoever and who gives a damn. Todd: Thank God this trend is over. :Shot of article: "Vine Isn't Actually Shutting Down Anymore" Oh. Yay. I'm... a very hesitant thumbs-up ...happy for you guys? :Zay: You ugly :You your daddy's son Please go to Part 2 Record instruction: You have now reached the conclusion of Side 1 of your record. Turn it over and replace it on the turntable with Side 2 on the top. Interlude #5 Todd (VO): #5. #5. Shawn Mendes - "Treat You Better"#28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Shawn: I know I can treat you better than he can :And any girl like you deserves a gentleman Todd: You know, in addition to the Worst Songs of the Year list, sometimes I do this... Todd (VO): ...little thing privately where I try to make a list of the worst two seconds of the year. Started doing that in 2014 'cause... Todd: ...there were so many awful little moments that year. Top Five Worst Two Seconds of 2014 #5. "dat booty booty" #4. "it's my right to be hellish" #3. "this. sick. beat." #2. "you know what to do with that big fat butt." #1. "what? I don unnastan" Todd: Cool, right? Well, anyway, here's my list of the Top Ten Worst Two Seconds in Pop Music of 2016. Top Ten Worst Two Seconds of 2016 #10. "roommate back in Boulder." #9. "Tupac??!" :Clip from Florida Georgia Line - "May We All" :FL GA Line: Play that Travis Tritt right above the 2Pac #8. "better than he can" #7. "betta dan he can" #6. "bed a daddy can" #5. "batter candygram" #4. "pat a tan Negan" #3. "pet Dominican" #2. "yabba dabba damn" #1. "Albert in a caaaaaaaaaan" Todd: Fuck this song. :Shawn: Better than he can Interlude #4 :Clip of Meghan Trainor - "Me Too"#62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Meghan: If I was you :I'd wanna be me too :I'd wanna be me too :I'd wanna be me too Todd: Meghan Trainor is not on this list. :Meghan: If I was you :I'd wanna be me too Todd (VO): A lot of people told me that this would've been their pick for worst song of the year. I thought about it, but ultimately, I have to keep myself honest, I didn't think it deserved to be here. Todd: Not 'cause I liked the song or anything. Todd (VO): I don't have any desire to hear Meghan Trainor being the of... poor man's Fergie, who herself was the poor man's Missy Elliott. But this year's pop songs were so dour and sad. I started worrying that pop music was going to hurt itself, like maybe we all need to sit pop music down and tell it that we loved it and encourage pop music to see a therapist. So, Meghan Trainor, say what you want. At least she had a personality. Todd: If you want to see what this song looks like without personality, you can have this. #4. The Chainsmokers ft. Daya - "Don't Let Me Down"#8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Daya: Don't let me :Don't let me :Don't let me down :I think I'm losing my mind now Todd (VO): Welcome back, Daya. Good to see you again. And welcome back, Chainsmokers. Not quite as bad as of... "#selfie," but you guys are apparently around for the long haul. I expect to see you on this list again and again... Todd: ...and again. :Daya: I need ya :I need ya Todd (VO): There's a famous quote that says that reading... talking about music is like dancing about architecture. The point is, it's hard. I do my best, but... Todd: ...sometimes the only thing to say is that it's an ass song that sounds like ass. :Daya: Don't let me down Todd (VO): Literally, it sounds like a high-pitched fart. The drop sounds like they recorded it with a weed whacker. Todd: But it's not just the drop, I just hate every musical element in it. Todd (VO): Nothing about it means anything. Every single beat and note seems like it was cribbed from the of... Complete Hack's Guide to Production. The lyrics have no connection to anything, and Daya is an empty husk of a performer. Todd: A lot of people said that the Meghan Trainor song reminded them of of "[[The Time (Dirty Bit)]" by...] the Black Eyed Peas. Damn right, it does. Say what you want about the Black Eyed Peas; they knew they were being obnoxious. Todd (VO): The Chainsmokers don't seem to have that awareness. They're more like...a car alarm going off. It's not trying to make you angry. It doesn't care. It doesn't have a brain or a soul, it's an inanimate object that's mindlessly blaring useless, meaningless noise. :Daya: Don't let me down Todd (VO): "Don't Let Me Down." Todd: A perfect summary of a year that was a letdown in every single possible way. Interlude #3 Todd (VO): #3. :Clip of Bryson Tiller - "Don't"#35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Bryson: Lately you say he been killin' the vibe :Gotta be sick of this guy :Pull up your skirt, get in the ride Todd (VO): One of the worst trends this year has been the uptick in moody, low-key R&B songs. Heard it's called trap soul: combining soul music with trap music. Todd: Those things don't go together. #3. Zayn - "Pillowtalk"#22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Zayn: Pillow talk :My enemy, my ally Todd (VO): This is the worst example of it, and again, you can blame this, along with so many other things, on Drake. But Drake only uses those drowsy, half-conscious beats when he wants to sound sad-drunk and miserable. Why would you use this as the basis of a sexy, baby-makin' love jam; I have no clue. Todd: I mean, I know I hate to be the "things were so much better in my day" guy, but...I mean, there was a song called "Pillow Talk" back in the '70s. :Clip from ''Soul Train of Sylvia singing "Pillow Talk"'' :Sylvia: What you friends all say is fine :But it can't compete with this pillow talk of mine Todd (VO): Listen how much better that is. It's full of lush orchestral music that actually sounds soft and inviting. Something you could have pillow talk to. Meanwhile, you take Zayn's "Pillowtalk," which has the least pillowy sound I've ever heard. :Zayn: Paradise, paradise, paradise, paradise Todd (VO): In fact, what this song makes me think of is a of... concrete block. :Zayn: We'll piss off the neighbors Todd: A big, into the picture heavy, gray, rectangular, uncomfortable concrete block. Todd (VO): And this part at the beginning represents what it feels like to try and lay your head on that concrete block, and this part right here represents what it feels like to have it dropped on your balls repeatedly. Todd: God, I can't believe I still have two more of these to go. How many words for dull are there? :Zayn: And it's our war zone Interlude #2 Todd (VO): #2. Todd: pause Remember Macklemore? :Clip of "Downtown" :Macklemore et al: Cut the bullshit :Get off my mullet Todd (VO): Y'all decided you didn't like him anymore 'cause, you know, he's so corny, such a try-hard. So you railed at him, "he's lame, let's get rid of him!" Well, I think you drove him off. He is Mackle-no-more. Todd: Here's what you get instead! #2. Gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien - "I Hate U, I Love U"#38 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Olivia: I hate you, I love you :I hate that I love you Todd (VO): Ya happy?! Now you get to listen to pic of... Gnash. G'nash. Todd: G-Nash. I don't know. Goddamn, was it a good year to be a boring white rapper! :Gnash I miss you when I can't sleep :Or right after coffee :Or right when I can't eat :I miss you in my front seat Todd (VO): "I Hate U, I Love U" was the worst hit song from a boring white rapper by far. I wasn't gonna put it this high, but then I realized... Todd: ...who in God's Name would want to listen to this?! I honestly have no idea! :Gnash: Do you miss me like I miss you? :Fucked around and got attached to you Todd (VO): I mean, this is like every complaint I had about the previous songs being dreary times a thousand. But this one goes the extra mile by also being completely incoherent! :Olivia: I hate you I love you :I hate that I want you :You want her, you need her :And I'll never be her Todd (VO): So we got a woman singing about how she's in love with a guy who loves a different girl. Presumably, that guy is the rapper, but all he does is rap about his own heartbreak. :Gnash: Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix :Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed Todd (VO): Are they supposed to be the same person? Or did his girl fall in love with another girl? Is it a mutually unhappy love triangle and he's being mistreated by his crush the same way the singer's being ignored by him? Are they two separate people singing about two completely different situations with no connection to each other at all?! Todd: Whatever it is, the guy still sucks. :Gnash: I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing :But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings Todd (VO): No, no, please, we need more emo dudes talking about sadness like they're the first person to discover it. Feel your feelings, brah. Todd: Feelings like...douchey projection. :Gnash: Oh oh, keep it on the low :You're still in love with me but your friends don't know Todd: And make sure you make the strongest case possible to get her back. :Gnash: And if I were you, I would never let me go Todd (VO): Oh! Todd: Well then, can't argue with that. If I'' were you, I'd stop making music! :'Olivia': You want her, you need her :And I'll never be her Honorable mentions '''Todd': exhausted One more to go. Beat Aw, the honorable mentions. Let's get that done. Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo - "Close"#66 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Nick: Close :Ooh-ooh Todd (VO): Nick Jonas: the poor man's Zayn. :Nick: 'Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close Todd (VO): Wh...what?! Todd: What do you think...what do they call the things in the sky, you...? He can't do it, so he waves for the next one Charlie Puth - "One Call Away"#43 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Charlie: I'm only one call away Todd (VO): Not much to say about this except that Charlie Puth sucks, he sucked last year, he's gonna suck this year, and in all likelihood, he'll suck every year after that. :Charlie: Superman got nothing on me Todd (VO): I will say that, after seeing Batman v. Superman, I do believe that Superman had nothing on Charlie Puth. :Clip from ''Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice :'Superman (Henry Cavill): Save...Martha! '''Todd: 2016 was the Batman v. Superman of years. P!nk - "Just Like Fire"#33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Pink: Just like fire, burning out the way :If I can light the world... Todd (VO): I'm fairly certain that Pink has released this song six times now. Justin Bieber - "Love Yourself"#1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Justin: 'Cause if you like the way... Todd (VO): I guess the lyrics are fine, but pure venom is not a move that everyone can pull off. If anyone else were singing this besides the most famous dickhead in the world... Todd: ...I might have bought it. G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha - "Me, Myself & I"#19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :G-Eazy: Woo-oo :Bebe: It's just me, myself, and I Todd (VO): The other boring white rapper of the year. Mostly, I'm just pissed off that he's named G-Eazy. Todd: Come on, man. Try harder. X Ambassadors - "Unsteady"#67 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Sam Harris: 'Cause I'm a little unsteady Todd (VO): I just flat hate X Ambassadors. Are they even a real band, or do they just write exclusively for car commercials? They're like badly functioning Mumford & Sons animatronics. Alessia Cara - "Scars to Your Beautiful"#30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2017, did not appear on 2016 list :Alessia: No scars to your beautiful Todd (VO): Awful. Todd: There. And now, finally, the worst song of the worst year. Interlude #1 Todd (VO): it out #1! Todd: I had so many contenders for the top spot this year, I didn't really know which one it was going to be. Then they announced the Grammy nominations. :Clip from ''CBS This Morning :'Gayle King': Song of the Year. :'Meghan Trainor': Song of the Year nominees, this is the one I'd...oh, man. Okay. "Formation" by Beyonce. '''Todd': Uh-huh. :"Formation" joined by Adele - "Hello" and Mike Posner - "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" :Meghan: "Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber. That was a tricky one. "7 Years" by Lukas Graham. Todd: I don't even know why I'm disappointed. #1. Lukas Graham - "7 Years"#12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Lukas Graham Forchhammer: Once I was 7 years old Todd (VO): Yeah, none of you are surprised, I know. I hated that song so much; I gave it a way too long review. And I still don't think I got to everything. It was like sitting through an hour-long humblebrag that... Todd: ...honestly, wasn't even that humble. Todd (VO): I didn't even get to bag on the completely insufferable video. Todd: Ugh, God. Todd (VO): I'm writing deep lyrics, bro. :Lukas: Soon, we'll be... Todd (VO): Yeah, this is us, we just hanging out with our shirts off. I'm just thinking about the passage of time and life and EXPLOSION!!! And I apologize to Shawn Mendes. Todd: This was clearly the worst two seconds of 2016. :Announcer: Lukas Graham! Todd (VO): It's such an astonishingly arrogant move: adding a crowd cheering your name to a song that's supposed to be about your own frailty! Todd: And here's the amazing thing. Check this out. :Clip of performance on ''Good Morning America :'Lukas': Once I was 20 years old :'Announcer (VO): Lukas Graham! '''Todd: They keep it in during the live version! :Announcer (VO): Lukas Graham! Todd (VO): Incredible! I mean, this song just falls apart without it, right? Gotta keep that in there. Todd: And guess what. I just heard Lukas Graham's new single. :Clip of "You're Not There" :Lukas: So give it up for fallen glory :I never got to say goodbye Todd (VO): It's yet another tribute to his late father. Todd: Can he do it right this time? :Lukas: You're not there :To celebrate the man that you made :You're not there :To share in my success Todd (VO): Of course not! Lukas Graham is sad because there's one less person in the world to heap praise on him and revel in his success. I may have heard worse songs from worse people, but I can't think of a single one this punchably insufferable. Todd: Lukas Graham, eat my ass. Gets up and leaves :Lukas: Once I was 7 years old Closing tag song: Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign - "Work from Home"#16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 THE END This video is owned by me And I was owned hardcore by 2016 THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS! Footnotes Category:Countdown Lists Category:Guides Category:Todd In The Shadows Transcripts Category:Content Category:Transcripts